Blessings with my name signed, sealed and delivered were on the other side of those tears! Let me back up and share back story to this. I suggest you grab a snack or drink, sit down and get comfortable.
So what had happened was (LOL)...
I resigned from my "9 to 5" job August 21, 2023. Immediately afterwards, I was afraid of what was next, but I was feeling great! In my head, I assumed I would have another job lined up in lightning speed. I had also launched my own website and had three presale book orders within two days of launching. At this rate, I was on 10 with excitement and feeling unstoppable. I was looking forward to my future!
September arrived in all of 5 minutes; my birthday month. I still didn't have an offer letter in hand. I had multiple interviews but zero offers. I was thinking that I was still doing okay and to not stress too much. My daughter, mother and I were still eating fine, bills were not due yet, I had a few weeks to still figure it all out for steady income. Now, it was the end of September, some of my friends and family had blessed me in ways to get through the month. I knew not to depend on this to continue. I thanked them (and God) for making a way for me.
During all of September and October, I was secretly dealing with what felt like my own version of 40 days and 40 nights. My blessings were in route to me as they had already been prepared, BUT they showed up packaged and disguised as everything I DID NOT WANT. I kept going - through the tears, stress and anger...
No one would've known I was battling it OUT. It felt as if I were on a battle field and didn't have the proper protection, but I did. My protection was God's promises.
When I said I cried everyday in October, that wasn't an understatement at all. I had moments of ugly cries, some were just rivers of water falling out of my eyes and my face remained with a solemn appearance. It wasn't tears of emotional imbalance. I can control my emotions pretty well. It was my flesh feeling defeated, my body physically drained; I was tired and starting to ache from excessive stress.
Nothing looked right. The strange part is that God had me continuing projects and STILL showing up for others, helping them, all while I felt like I was falling apart. I started to ask myself questions: How am I supposed to help to build another brand, when I'm still trying to work on my own? How am I supposed to show up and host brunch when I don't have enough gasoline in my truck and words of eviction are bring tossed around at me? How am I supposed to deal with my mother's paranoid schizophrenia and mild dementia when I'm stressed - have lost sleep - and have a short temper all of a sudden? UGH!
Remember I mentioned having an ugly cry? This was one of those times. I had just dropped my daughter off at school. I was contemplating "going online" to shop for Instacart to deliver groceries. I needed instant money! I don't like picking up Instacart gigs because I end up using the money earned just to replace the gasoline that I had just driven out. A vicious cycle for me. I instantly dropped tears from feeling the pressure as soon as my daughter got out of my truck. By this point, I knew why I was crying. This was all too much for me. Bills and life did not pause while I was trying to pick up the pieces from leaving a steady job that no longer served me.
I drove home sobbing. Pulled into my garage, went into my house which felt like I could lose at any moment. I started walking around. I'm was in a full blown ugly cry by now. In the middle of those tears, I became furious. I started YELLING at God! I did. I started yelling out the following, I'll never forget it: "What are we (God and I) doing?! I'm trying to stay in faith but it's HARD! YOU see these bills. This ain't looking like what you showed me! YOU SAID you would supply my needs! YOU SAID you would give me beauty for ashes! YOU SAID I'm the head and not the tail! YOU SAID I'm a lender and not a borrower! YOU SAID I'm a leader and not a follower! I wouldn't even know this unless YOU SAID IT! I can't deal with the in the nick of time God! Because that's stressing me out! I NEED THE SUDDENLY NOW GOD! The one that is still doing miracles TODAY!"
I cried the adhesive off of my lashes and went to sleep. This was only a nap. When I woke up, I was not rested at all. I had to get up to pick my daughter up from school.
Inserting a revelation... As I'm writing this right now, in this moment, I'm understanding how the act of dropping off and picking up my daughter from school is still a part of God's plan for me. I hate doing it. I feel like it breaks up my day when I'm in the middle of something. Because of it, I'm not able to get a regular full-time job because training or the production hours won't allow me the time needed to drop off and pick her up. I realize now, it's not about what I'm feeling, it's not even about my daughter... God is showing me discipline through demonstration. God has placed me in situations where I still have to show up when I don't want to. It's the act of following through, doing what you have to do, to get to where you want to be, all while learning how to keep going through the challenges!
It's easy to start something, then because of how it makes you feel - it's even easier to quit because it's not want you want to do. Have you ever felt like that? Have you ever quit because it didn't go how you wanted it to? You showed up and the task was tedious. OR, the relationship (friend, romantic, or even occupational) made you second guess immediately like, "this ain't it." Let me clarify, this is not the same as staying in a relationship that is no longer serving you: being abused emotionally, physically, verbally, financially, etc. That's a different blog and story.
I want you to assess the things in your life that you do because you have to and not because you want to: maybe you have a steady workout regimen, maybe it's making sure you get 6-8 hours of sleep per day/night, maybe you also have to commute your kiddo all around town for whatever reason, maybe it's continuing in your business when you don't see the fruits of your labor yet. When you are doing it because it needs to be done, that is a form of discipline. We all are capable of producing through disciplined actions. End of my revelation!
Where was I before the revelation?... Ahh, cried my lashes off, went to sleep, I woke up to pick up my daughter from school. I didn't feel like going anywhere. I picked her up, I probably was upset to have to think about what's for dinner, especially when everything else was closing in on me! This went on for a few days with sleepless nights.
October 19th, the day before I told my landlord I would pay October's rent... I had $350.00 towards that after more bills had stumbled through my bank account. I was feeling nauseous. I couldn't respond to my friends texts and calls for a few weeks. I was doing my best to stay calm but I was failing. I kept praying. A lot of those prayers looked like tears and mumbling words until I would take a nap from exhaustion. I was down to only a glimmer of faith that God was going to figure it all out.
Of course I had taken another nap. I hadn't been getting close to two hours of consistent sleep at night. I woke up to an email from a government rental assistance program. I had applied maybe 30 days prior, I really don't know when. The email was asking me if I still needed help with my rent, and if I did I would need to fill out a form and submit some more info. The email was signed by a familiar name. How in the world would my info fall upon the desk of this familiar person? It was strange, but I know God can do the impossible! I didn't question it and proceeded with my info. At this point, I need constant reassurance if I had everything turned in and what's the next step.
The following day, my landlord texted me about the rent. I'm ready to throw my phone away because I didn't know what to write back. I responded closer to the end of day stating there was an email sent to her as the program wants to pay her directly and there's forms for her to fill out and submit. A part of me had been thinking about where am I going to live if I get evicted? I know my daughter could probably live with either of her aunts or her paternal grandmother, or go back to Florida with her dad and stepmom. For me, I could... who the heck knows. I didn't want to think about that.
Switching gears for a bit. I had another gig under my belt, working with Landing which is a platform similar to AirBNB, where people like me choose and accept jobs to either turnover a fully furnished unit (clean it thoroughly after someone has left to prepare it for the next member), shop for a welcome kit, purchase a lockbox and install it, sit in a unit for up to 3 hours for internet installation, etc. I had accepted turnovers before that were filthy! I'm talking pet feces, mold from piles of left over food, ants and fleas, blood on sheets, a 13 gallon trash bag of pet hair thrown about the entire unit... worst case scenarios, disgusting. Honestly, I don't really like manual labor or getting my hands dirty. I'll do it, but it's not my cup of tea. Performing such tasks gave me a huge appreciation for individuals who serve others in this manner, day in and day out.
I had recently picked up a home refresh for a unit in Uptown Minneapolis. The unit was already clean, had been sitting for a while and needed a quick run through to make sure everything was fine for a member to move in. As I was in the unit, I was admiring it! I started thinking, I should live in a Landing home! It's fully furnished, all of the locations have amenities in the building, etc. I felt hope like I have a plan if I get evicted! This wasn't the most cost effective option for me, but it was a glimmer of faith showing me that I also have options; I am never stuck in a place where God didn't already see it through.
Back to my situation... My landlord had texted me October 20th, that she received information that I was approved for the rental assistance but I need $650 that day as the program will pay $1000. Remember how I only had $350? I was able to receive help of the remaining $300, sent directly to my landlord. I cried instantly, of course I did! My landlord had texted me back that the government program told her the check would be in the mail within 2-3 months and that she couldn't wait that long. My glimmer of faith was just fumes now. I had started October on shaky grounds. I would say my faith might've been at 60%.
My eyes were puffy, I physically had no options to earn $1000 in a couple hours. I didn't respond to when I would have $1000, but I did share that I had been unemployed since August 21st, this was my first time sharing this with my landlord. Additionally, I gave her my Virtual Assistant Proposal asking her if I could help her business and/or if she can refer me to someone who could use my services. I had nothing to lose. I thanked God that He had already figured it out while I literally dropped silent tears while cooking and preparing for a meeting.
October 25th, was when I received the next text from my landlord. She had received a Letter of Guarantee that $1500 would be paid for my rent, not $1000 as we initially thought... AND instead of 2-3 months, the check is in the mail within two weeks!
Ummm... CAN SOMEONE SHOUT WITH ME?! I broke into a full praise.
Did I have multiple challenges? YES
Did I stay in prayer? YES
Did I feel miserable and start to have some doubt? YES
Did I continue to keep going through the tears? YES
Did I question my own ability? Almost
Did my faith move up and down like a roller coaster? YES
Did I completely give up and lose my faith? NO
I'm telling you this process has taught me how to tap into a different level of prayer, faith, discipline and perseverance. I've told only a couple of people that I have an anointing on my life. This was the pivotal moment for me demonstrating those words.
I mentioned BLESSINGS (plural) with my name on it. During all of this chaos, on the other side of those tears I...
Learned a skill and earned a certificate for Copywriting
Continued to grow my own business and picked up a couple of contracts providing me with an additional $450 per month. That may not sound like a lot to some, but this is stemming from my own business, something that was not even possible two months ago
Created and completed a few graphic design projects
I gathered enough energy and wanted to see my friends and followed through with those plans
I interviewed and got hired for a part-time job with flexible hours, allowing me time to still take my daughter to and from school. The best part about this is the job pays more hourly than my previous "9 to 5" job
Collectively, I'll meet my same income previously, working less hours with my own schedule. Weekly, 16.5 hours I can complete from anywhere in the world with an internet connection and my laptop and/or smart phone. I needed flexibility and freedom within my schedule. Umm, that's been handled. I specified in my prayers what I wanted. I have no doubt that because it aligned with God's plan for me, it all worked out.
Key take aways:
Specify (in detail) what you want from God
Do not lose your faith when you are being tested
Some blessings are wrapped in challenges that you need to face and get through to receive your blessing. Why? This is building your strength to persevere and teaching you discipline
Great to hear all of this! Keep writing blogs, you are great at it.